March 13 2025 – Henrieta Haniskova
Tired Mom asleep before finishing reading a book to her baby. Maternal depletion
The Instinct to Give: Why Mothers Sacrifice Themselves
Motherhood is instinctual. The moment you hold your baby for the first time, something shifts inside you. Your body, your brain, your very biology rewire themselves to nurture, protect, and provide.
This instinct isn’t just emotional—it’s hormonal. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, fuels maternal devotion. It deepens attachment, pushes you to meet your baby’s needs, and compels you to give endlessly, sometimes at the cost of yourself.
In nature, we see this self-sacrificial drive everywhere.
The Self-Sacrificing Mothers of the Animal Kingdom
🐙 The Octopus Mother lays her eggs and then stops eating, dedicating herself entirely to guarding them. By the time they hatch, she has withered away, having given everything to ensure their survival.
🐻 The Polar Bear Mother starves for months while nursing her cubs, using up her own fat reserves just to keep them fed.
🐧 The Emperor Penguin Father sits on an egg in freezing temperatures for weeks without food, surviving only on his body’s stored energy, all to protect his baby.
The common thread? Oxytocin—the powerful hormone that fuels maternal devotion.
It’s what keeps these animal mothers committed, even at great personal cost. And while human mothers don’t have to endure the same extremes, oxytocin still plays a profound role in how we care for our children—and how we, too, can fall into the trap of overgiving.
The Bond That Builds—and Depletes—Mothers
Oxytocin, often called the love hormone, is what makes a mother instinctively hold, soothe, and nurture her baby. It bonds us, keeps us close, and makes our child’s needs feel like our top priority—even to the point of ignoring our own.
It’s why you can wake up for the tenth time in one night to comfort your crying baby, despite your own exhaustion. It’s why you go hours without eating, because your toddler needs something first. And it’s why stepping away, even for a moment, can trigger deep guilt—because oxytocin compels you to stay.
The Mother-Baby Unit: Why Regulation Starts With You
I remember a night when my baby girl was inconsolable. I was exhausted, tears streaming down my face, barely able to function. My ex-husband tried to help, but he was anxious and unsure, and the more tense he became, the more distressed she grew. Her tiny body stiffened, her cries became louder, and I could feel my own frustration rising.
In the end, I told him I needed to handle it myself. Not because I didn’t want help—but because I instinctively knew what she needed most was a regulated mother.
I sat down with her in my arms, closed my eyes, and focused on grounding myself for her. Deep breathing, slowing my own heartbeat, softening my muscles, creating safety with my presence. And within moments, I felt her tiny body melt into mine. Her cries softened, her breathing slowed, and peace settled over both of us.
That night, I learned something profound—babies don’t yet know how to regulate their own nervous systems. They borrow ours.
But here’s the problem: a mother who is constantly running on empty has no regulation to offer.
Balancing Oxytocin for Connection & Well-Being
Oxytocin is essential for bonding, but it isn’t meant to work alone. When it runs too high without balance, it can lead to overgiving, exhaustion, and guilt. The key to sustainable motherhood isn’t just boosting oxytocin—it’s balancing it with other hormones and neurotransmitters to create a foundation of well-being.
🔹 Oxytocin → Love & Bonding (Keeps you deeply connected to your baby)
🔹 Dopamine → Motivation & Joy (Helps you reclaim personal fulfillment)
🔹 Serotonin → Contentment & Peace (Supports emotional stability)
🔹 Endorphins → Relaxation & Relief (Eases stress and physical tension)
🔹 GABA → Calm & Nervous System Regulation (Helps you transition out of “on” mode)
Why Understanding Oxytocin Can Change Everything
If I had understood then what I know now, I would have been able to release the guilt and shame of wanting peace. I would have seen my own regulation as just as important as hers.
Because just like my daughter needed me to be calm, I needed support to be able to give that to her.
This is what mothers need to hear: You do not have to deplete yourself to be a good mother.
Just like your baby depends on your nervous system to regulate, you need to support your own nervous system, too. And the beauty of it? The same oxytocin that makes you self-sacrificing can also be used to restore you—if you learn how to work with it.
How to Create Balance Instead of Burnout
1️⃣ Skin-to-Skin Contact—But for Both of You
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Skin-to-skin isn’t just for baby—it’s for you, too. When you hold your baby close, your own oxytocin rises, lowering stress hormones and helping you regulate as well.
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But oxytocin alone won’t restore you. Pair skin-to-skin with deep breathing or gentle movement to engage GABA and serotonin, creating a full-body sense of calm.
2️⃣ Daily Rituals That Balance Your Neurochemistry
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Face massage (Dopamine & Endorphins) → A one-minute ritual with essential oils stimulates pleasure, relaxation, and grounding.
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Gentle movement (Serotonin & Endorphins) → Stretching, dancing with your baby, or rocking in a chair supports mood stability and stress relief.
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Meaningful touch (GABA & Oxytocin in harmony) → Hugging a loved one, stroking your baby’s hair, or wrapping yourself in a soft blanket nourishes without depleting.
3️⃣ Regulating Before Responding
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If your baby is distressed, pause before reacting.
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Take one deep breath to activate GABA and quiet the stress response.
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Feel your feet on the floor (grounding releases serotonin and promotes calmness).
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Soften your shoulders and jaw to signal safety, helping both you and your child regulate together.
4️⃣ Reframing Guilt as Biology
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That pang of guilt when you step away? That’s oxytocin talking.
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Instead of letting it trap you in overgiving, remind yourself:
“Oxytocin helps me bond, but dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins help me restore. My child needs a regulated, whole mother. I take care of myself so I can care for them better.”
Supported Mothers Are Happy Mothers
Mothers in the animal kingdom don’t parent alone. Many species rely on group support—lionesses take turns nursing each other’s cubs, elephant herds protect and guide young together.
Yet human mothers are often expected to carry it all alone.
But you were never meant to do this without support.
Just like oxytocin fuels connection between you and your baby, it also strengthens the bond between you and your community. You need a support system—whether it’s a partner, friends, or a network of mothers who remind you that you matter, too.
You are not meant to give until there’s nothing left. You are not meant to regulate alone.
When you understand how oxytocin works, you can start using it to support yourself—not just your child. You can shift from overgiving to sustainable care. You can learn to regulate before you collapse. You can take what was designed to bond you and use it to restore you, too.
Because you were never meant to disappear in the process of mothering. You were meant to thrive.
But you were never meant to do this without support.
Just like oxytocin fuels connection between you and your baby, it also strengthens the bond between you and your community. You need a support system—whether it’s a partner, friends, or a network of mothers who remind you that you matter, too.
You are not meant to give until there’s nothing left. You are not meant to regulate alone.
When you understand how oxytocin works, you can start using it to support yourself—not just your child. You can shift from overgiving to sustainable care. You can learn to regulate before you collapse. You can take what was designed to bond you and use it to restore you, too.
Because you were never meant to disappear in the process of mothering. You were meant to thrive.
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