The Cost of Endless Giving: How Oxytocin Fuels Maternal Self-Sacrifice

Why Mothers Give Until There’s Nothing Left

You love your baby more than words can express. From the moment they were placed in your arms, something shifted inside you. Their needs became your priority, your instincts kicked in, and you started giving in ways you never had before. But somewhere along the way, your needs started to disappear.

Maybe you stopped eating full meals, grabbing bites of leftovers instead. Maybe you started surviving on caffeine because sleep became a luxury. Maybe you feel like a stranger in your own body, drained but unsure how to fix it.

Here’s what no one tells you: this self-sacrifice isn’t just emotional—it’s biological. The same hormone that bonds you to your baby, oxytocin, is also the one that makes it easy to put yourself last. And if you’re not aware of its effects, it can drive you straight into depletion. Leaving you feeling like this: 

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The Science Behind Maternal Self-Sacrifice

Oxytocin: The Love Hormone with a Hidden Cost

Oxytocin is often called the “love hormone” because it surges when you give birth, breastfeed, or even hold your baby. It deepens attachment, makes your baby’s cries impossible to ignore, and pushes you to meet their every need. It’s nature’s way of ensuring survival—your baby depends on you, so your body makes sure they come first.

But here’s the catch: oxytocin doesn’t just promote bonding—it also amplifies self-sacrificial behaviors. It quiets the stress signals that would normally tell you to slow down, pushing you to keep going even when your body is running on empty.

Pair that with cortisol, the stress hormone flooding your system from sleep deprivation and constant demands, and suddenly, you're running on fumes without realizing how much it's costing you.

There is a cure! It's called self-care. 

I see these funny memes and reels on Instagram and I wonder at the state of women's health. How often do you feel like this?

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Why Self-Care Feels So Hard for Mothers

It’s not just biology—it’s conditioning.

For centuries, the “ideal mother” has been the one who gives endlessly, without asking for anything in return.

• The Victorian-era “angel in the house” who exists solely to care for her family.
• The modern “supermom” who juggles it all while never appearing to need rest.
• The expectation that your joy should come only from motherhood, not from personal fulfillment or self-care.

Meanwhile, many men take self-care as a given. When they want to golf or fish with friends, they plan it without hesitation. They expect full support. When Super Bowl Sunday rolls around, it’s assumed they’ll have uninterrupted time to enjoy the game. Their toilet time feels like a part time job!

Not necessarily because they’re selfish—but because they’ve never been conditioned to feel guilty for taking care of themselves. They understand that self-care is part of their well-being. And maybe it’s time we start embracing that for ourselves, too.

When Self-Sacrifice Becomes Self-Destruction

Giving your all to your child isn’t the problem—giving everything until there’s nothing left is. The cost of unchecked self-sacrifice is real, not just in the early years, but for the rest of your life. 

• Physical health declines – Chronic stress, sleep deprivation, and nutrient depletion don’t just make you tired; they weaken your immune system, disrupt hormone production, and increase the risk of heart disease, thyroid dysfunction, and chronic fatigue syndrome.
• Mental health suffers – Without rest and replenishment, mothers are at higher risk for postpartum depression, anxiety, and long-term nervous system dysregulation, making it harder to recover emotionally even as your children grow.
• Mother’s Rage Takes Over – Overwhelm, exhaustion, and the relentless demand of caregiving create a fight-or-flight response in the nervous system, making it harder to regulate emotions. The rage erupts—often at the people we love the most. Hiding doesn’t work—children follow you everywhere. Lashing out leads to guilt, which then leads to further self-sacrifice in an attempt to “make up for it.” It’s a vicious cycle.
• Loss of identity – When all of your energy is poured into others, you begin to forget who you were before motherhood, making it difficult to reconnect with yourself once your children become more independent.
• Resentment builds in relationships – Women are told to be self-sufficient, to handle it all. Meanwhile, many men assume they are “helping” when they do the bare minimum. If you don’t expect to be cared for, he won’t step up. If he sees you handling it all, he assumes you want to do it all. But over time, resentment festers. You feel abandoned. He feels unappreciated. The emotional divide grows.
• The mother-child dynamic shifts the marriage dynamic – Many men default to letting their wives take charge because she seems more competent at running the household. But when a woman is left to do it all, she starts to see her husband as another child to manage—not a partner. And as the exhaustion sets in, her attraction fades. A woman who feels unseen and unsupported does not desire intimacy—she just wants rest.
• Long-term damage emerges – Studies show that prolonged stress and nutrient depletion contribute to autoimmune disorders, osteoporosis, metabolic dysfunction, and even dementia in older age. When self-care is neglected for years, the body pays the price with conditions that are difficult—sometimes impossible—to reverse.
• Perimenopause hits harder – The effects of depletion don’t just disappear when your children grow older. If your body is already running on empty, perimenopause will be brutal. Women who enter this stage depleted often face severe hormonal crashes, extreme anxiety and depression, intense mood swings, insomnia, brain fog, and worsened menopause symptoms.

What happens in your first years of motherhood sets the foundation for your future health and your relationship’s survival. The longer self-care is neglected, the harder it is to recover.

There are conversations in spaces for men that are focusing on this and the role a father needs to play not just for his children, but also for his partner. And it is so important that men talk about this and understand how to support you and be the partner that you need. I listened to this reel and felt so much gratitude for this to be discussed amongst men:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DD9rQVhyDdO/?igsh=OXNiM2N6bmFmbnI3

Redefining Motherhood: The Case for Self-Care

Self-care is not an indulgence. It’s not an afterthought. It’s survival. If oxytocin drives you to give, then intentional self-care is what allows you to keep giving without losing yourself.

How to Balance Oxytocin’s Pull with Self-Care

✔ Recognize the guilt, but don’t let it control you. You were conditioned to feel bad for taking time for yourself. Acknowledge it, but don’t obey it.
✔ Understand that self-care is biological. Just like your body needs food and sleep, your mind and emotions need space to recharge.
✔ Set boundaries with confidence. Your needs don’t come last. A healthy, cared-for mother creates a healthy home.
✔ Replenish yourself with joy. Find what restores you—whether it’s movement, creativity, rest, or connection—and make it non-negotiable.

In our next post, we’ll explore what self-care really is and why most of us get it wrong. 

Because you matter, too.

Sources: 

Parochial Cooperation in Humans: Forms and Functions of Self-Sacrifice in Intergroup Conflict

Postpartum stress in the first 6 months after delivery: a longitudinal study in Nantong, China